Family and Work: The Family's Perspective

5 About Work: the Parents' Perspective

5.1 Parent's Employment Choices
5.2 Parents' Experiences of Work
5.3 Working at home
5.4 Conclusion

5.1 Parent's Employment Choices

One aspect of work and family that Galinsky did not explore in her research was the issue of how parents had made their decisions about how they would work when they had children. There were several anecdotes about parents who had changed their roles, but nothing about whether the parents interviewed were doing what they had intended.

Where this issue is most likely to be reflected in Galinsky's work is in the factor "parenting autonomy" which is reported to be a significant predictor of the grades parents give themselves, the feelings of stress or success that a parent reports and even the reporting of children's "behaviour problems" (p 146-166). This factor was measured by asking parents to agree or disagree with the statement "I feel like I can raise my child the way I want to." Although this factor was not fully explicated by Galinsky, one key aspect is likely to be whether or not the parent feels that their working has a positive or negative impact on children. For many of the parents in the current study, this statement appears to be directly related to the choices they had made about work, and how comfortable they felt with that choice. This relationship highlights other findings that there are likely to be fewer negative impacts of maternal employment when the mother feels comfortable with her choice to work or not (NICHD, 1997; Gold and Andres, 1978).

Given the apparent significance of the impact of whether parents feel that they are bringing up their children in the way that they want to, it is interesting to use the in-depth data provided in the current research to consider how parents had made decisions about work. Some of the parents talked about having some personal expectation or plan for what they would do when they had children, but often they talked about one or the other parent having an assumption about what would happen. Sometimes the family followed the plan or expectations, and other times they did not.

Well, I think, basically, (my husband) had a very good job and he was getting very good pay, and once I had my daughter she was so precious to me I just wanted to stay home. And (my husband) was extremely happy that I wanted to. I suppose it was both our decision, but once I had my daughter I wasn't interested in working. I wanted to stay home.
[mother of 14 year old]

Before we were married he said he was never going to let his wife work. Well, we were just going out, and I thought, "That's OK for you". And he was going to have his wife stay at home and iron his shirts, and I said "Bully to you boy".
[Mother, works 32 hours]

So we made a decision, because he was earning a lot more money than I was, so we made a financial decision – you don't get paid much doing library work.
[mother, works full-time]

I reduced my hours of work from full-time to part-time. I went to 4 days per week, but it was made very clear to me that that was only agreeable, as far as the work place was concerned, so long as the whole job got done. So I was basically paid for 4 days a week and going in to work 4 days a week, but I was still doing a full-time job, and that was because I was a manager and most organisations are not prepared to have managers who are part-time.
(Mother works full-time)

Many of the parents said that they had not really discussed this issue before they had children, and that they may not have discussed the issue at different critical decision points either. Rather, there was a strong sense of responding to circumstances. One mother who said that she had expected to stay home with her children said that she was urged back to work because a school had need of her particular skills. This gradually evolved into regular part-time work. Several mothers had returned to work because of the financial status of the family, either because one income was not sufficient for them to achieve the standard of living they wanted, or following a partner's unemployment. Several others had returned to work because they found being at home with a baby so difficult and/or missed the career that they had had before having children.

I found that it was very, very difficult to adapt to not working and not having that social stimulation. I'd always been in a position where other people pat you on the back a heck of a lot, and when I was home full-time I found that my daydreaming was spent thinking about missed career opportunities and so there was quite an internal conflict of what I believed I wanted to do for my family and my inability to adapt, and feeling guilty about not feeling happy at home. And feeling jealous of other women who seemed perfectly happy in that mode. But it certainly helped me to understand that career is more what I'm suited to. Not to say that I was an embittered person, but rather I knew that it was not something that I would ever feel I had adapted to.
[mother, works full-time]

When I first had (my second child) I was never returning to work…dream…but then I think you miss something in your life – you as a person and also that career. So after about 12 months I went into a new phase of nursing and that's where I continued.
[mother, works part-time - originally shift-work]

Even where there was apparent clarity of their decision making, some parents (mothers in particular) talked about the guilt that they felt, or the sense of conflict that endured. This appeared to lead to a constant search for the best way to combine work and a family. Many of the mothers in particular had chosen to work part-time and often within school hours, or to work night or early shifts, so that children would not be on their own at home after school. Even where after-school care was available, there was a general consensus among parents that it was better for a child not to have to attend five days a week. For some this was because of their own and their children's views of the child care available (see Section 12; Non-Parental Care). For others it was to do with being home after school so that children could talk and were supervised.

Well I just think if they are going to talk to you, that's the time they are going to talk. I mean I know that I'll get told things that (my husband) never hears about, because if they have told one person, and that's when they have come home, they want to say it. They don't want to talk about it later. So, no, I've always thought it's important just to be there, give them their afternoon tea, talk to them, tidy up things as they went, and see that they are encouraged to go off and do their homework. Because I don't think you can expect kids to come home into a house by themselves and go and do their homework. Even in Year 12, it's easier if there's someone there with the expectation that you would have half an hour to read the newspaper and eat, and then you go and do your work. [mother, works 32 hours]

In this sample mothers who described their working hours as what they had chosen, without any expression of self-doubt were in the minority.

It wasn't financial, it was just professional. It was a career option. It was the profession I had chosen and neither of us considered disbanding our career for child minding. We saw that as something else. It wasn't your profession…The children fitted in with work. I don't think hardly ever we would have done it the other way. I worked, they fitted in sometime…It was not a choice to work, but it was a choice to have children.
[Mother works full-time]

In several families where the mother expressed a strong commitment to her career, fathers had also taken a turn at reducing their working hours when the children were young.

(My wife) was always clear that having children, as far as she was concerned, didn't mean that she was going to stop working, and I think that the sort of society norm is that with a couple if you have children and somebody's got to stop working it's got to be the wife. So she was always quite clear that it wasn't going to be her.
(father, worked part-time for about a year; both work full-time)

5.2 Parents' Experiences of Work

Once parents have made a decision to work, they then face the issue of how their experience of work impacts on their parenting role, and how this experience in turn affects other decisions about working. Galinsky's parent survey investigated aspects of work that were hypothesized to impact on the spillover between work and family. She reported that stress at work was predicted by four broad factors: job demands, focus, job quality and support at work. Job demands were indicated by the number of hours worked, the number of days worked per week, whether a job entailed overnight travel, whether work had to be taken home and how much pressure a worker experienced. Focus was indicated by how much difficulty a respondent had in focusing at work, how much multitasking was required in the job, and how often they were interrupted in their work. Job quality was conceptualized as being indicated by autonomy, learning opportunities, job challenge, and how meaningful the work was. Support at work related to support from supervisors, coworkers and the workplace culture.

Parents in the present study were not asked detailed questions about their workplaces and the conditions that they have in their jobs. However, in answering questions about what work they did, why they worked, and how work and family interacted, many parents talked about some of these issues.

Many of the mothers interviewed, and some of the fathers, described their current working hours as not their preferred hours. For some this had impacted on their enjoyment of working. These parents were clearly struggling with feeling comfortable about the way that they are working, and they referred directly to the impact that they believed it had on their capacity to parent.

For the most part would you say you enjoy working?
No. I suppose it's mixed. If I could work in a way that I could look after him or spend more time with him and be available, yes I would. But it's a major issue for me because I can't do that and probably for the last 3 years (my son) has been very open in his requests. "Mum, can we do this, or Mum can we do this differently". He hates being in after care and that has been a constant struggle. So the guilt factor as well. And trying to, I suppose, have a young kid understand financial pressures and not wanting them to be really expose to it. But then they have to have some reality, as sometimes it is mission impossible to do everything they want done.
[ mother, works full-time]

While actual hours worked did not necessarily relate directly to feelings about time spent with children, many parents talked about the value to them of any job flexibility they had, which allowed them to spend critical time with children. Often they referred to themselves as "lucky" that they had the flexibility to be able to respond to special circumstances or demands. Parents who could take leave to care for sick children also often considered this as good fortune, referring to being lucky to have a boss who understood, and would let them go to deal with an emergency. Where no leave was allowed a parent might have to lie and say that they were sick themselves in order to be able to care for a sick child.

Where parents used such work allowances they were conscious of making trade-offs, or possibly experiencing negative career consequences.

The flexibility I think is probably the most important thing for me at the moment, while the children are still fairly young…In order to earn more money, I'd have to look at a job where I was full-time at the one place, and probably start looking at some sort of more senior position I guess. I'd have to start being a bit ambition and it's hard to trade that off with…Well, I'd have to trade some of the flexibility off for that. And I'm not really willing to do that at the moment.
(single mother, works multiple jobs)

I've heard the gossip: "Can't give so and so a senior allotment, because look at how many days they have been away and isn't it dreadful". So it is slightly at the back of my mind, how can you say "stick it up your jumper – it's my child and he comes first", and the other half's thinking "I've got to be careful how many days I take off."
(Mother , works full-time)

Where I've been in a situation where I've had management that is supportive it made a bit of a difference, but otherwise it's been quite difficult because it's also about a lot of managers have this perception that if you ask for some other - or for your personal needs to be considered in terms of being a parent - you're not committed to your job and that raises all those other issues, questioning your professionalism and your commitment which for me has been a bit of an on-going frustration because I see them as totally different issues.
And it does, I suppose, also have an effect on…I mean, I'm not particularly ambitious, but if there are certain positions that I wanted to go for and I felt I was quite capable of doing, I wouldn't get a look in because of the perception that is had about "she's not committed and she's not serous because her commitment lies with her kid", and I find that a bit constraining as well.
(single mother, works full-time)

This was not just an issue for mothers.

Yes, you've certainly got to manage the political situation. You have to make sure that people know how much effort you're putting in.
(father works 60 hours)

The need for the worker to take the initiative in taking advantage of workplace flexibility was raised by another father who had made a decision to change his work because he felt his former workplace had contributed too many negative impacts on his family life.

I think you have to balance it because your work will never do that for you. Work places talk about it a fair bit, but, by and large – particularly the kind of large bureaucratic organizations that we work for, are run by people who've already made that decision, and it's in favour of work – that's how come they're running it. So you've got to make the decisions yourself.
(father, works full-time)

In offering advice to working parents, the issue of flexibility was raised by several parents.

I think I would be saying if you are fortunate enough to have a job that is flexible then to actually use that flexibility and not let work seduce you into being too focused on work. And try to take some of that flexibility so you can have time at home at certain periods. Whether it is longer holidays or shorter working hours or days, to try and balance that.
(mother, works full-time)

This issue of the significance of workplace factors in predicting positive spillover between work and family is something that Galinsky raised, and yet, as this father indicated, the kinds of people who have often risen to positions of influence in organizations have clearly made a choice that is different to the choice that some of their employees are indicating that they would like to make. This is likely to impact on the degree to which family friendly policies are both available, and likely to be used without fear of negative consequences.

You've got organizations who are run by people who have essentially made that decision – and in some cases made it in a very obvious fashion – of people who have been given the choice of career advancement or retaining their family.

In couples with both parents working full-time, both tended to use aspects of work flexibility to share the pre and post-school responsibilities. There appeared to be some inequity in how parents dealt with the need to care for sick children, however, with parents reporting that mothers were more likely to take time off to care for a sick child.

As might be expected, there were some parents who expressed dissatisfaction with their working hours, but who said that they could not afford to change. About a quarter of the parents indicated that the hours that they were currently working were not their preferred hours. All but two of these parents said that they would like to spend more time with their children. Some of these parents said that their jobs could not be done part-time, others worked jobs that were only done as shifts, or long hours, but for most of these parents the financial need to keep working meant that they continued despite their feelings of dissatisfaction. This is of concern because of the reported impact that parents' feelings about whether they are doing the right thing or not has on their children. One parent who was not happy with her working arrangements clearly identified this as an overwhelming factor affecting how she felt about her parenting.

I mostly think I do (feel that I'm doing a good job as a parent). It's probably 50/50. But I think it's more about work and not having time. Because it's not the way I want to do things, or the way I think (my son) would like things to be, so we've both got the same headset. We're all kind of not entirely happy with the arrangement.
(mother, works full-time)

It appeared from the parents' responses to these questions that most parents were making work decisions on a fairly independent basis. While some might make reference to their partner and what they were doing, it seemed that few couples were actually going through a deliberate decision-making process together. Instead it appeared that there were many assumptions being made about each other's view-point.

I know (my wife) has changed jobs and careers, and that's fine, but she does it with not a lot of consultation. She seems to be able to do that. Whereas if I wanted to change and up and do something else, it's a family thing – so it's very much still a "breadwinner" role, although (my wife) would probably deny that.
[father works full-time]

In contrast to this apparent norm, one couple talked about recently coming to an agreement about how to share the work-load.

Part of the agreement that (my wife) and I came to a few years ago, was that I would take a step back in having these stressful jobs, and so she'd start working, so instead of one us earning a big income and the other one not working, it's better just to share the workload. So we really made a conscious effort some years ago to do that, and we're slowly getting to that point.
(father, temporarily unemployed)

The incredibly dynamic nature of the employment patterns of parents is revealed in this family. The wife had returned to study and was working full-time and enjoying her job; however, she was constantly re-evaluating how she felt about her choices.

I'm just very conscious of time going very quickly and also now having gone through Uni and working – they've been tremendous experiences and life changing, but now I'm looking back, I'm able to …I just want to be able to give myself a few more choices whilst my children are still this age. And whilst I still can have some real quality time with them. I want to give myself some choices to really enjoy them, and not be under this pressure of study or work situation. But also not just…I don't want to go back to full time mothering.

Clearly this family will keep on changing in response to both their circumstances and how they evaluate its impact on both the children and themselves. It was notable that many of the parents in our sample had made significant changes to the way that they work during the lifetime of their children. Some of these changes were induced by circumstances, such as marriage breakdown, but many were changes that parents made in an effort to better manage work and family issues. Some parents had changed jobs to reduce pressure, although they lost work status and income. Some rejected jobs that involved too much travelling. Some parents who had chosen shift work as an ideal arrangement when their children were young because it meant that children were always cared for by parents, had re-evaluated the suitability of such work as their children got older. For most parents, the theme underlying their change was a search for more flexibility to allow them to meet family obligations. This increased flexibility was associated with reduced levels of stress for many parents. This research would indicate that there are a lot of very capable employees who are choosing not to fully engage in the labour market because they cannot do so with the kinds of conditions that they believe are necessary to successfully combine work and family.

The themes that emerged from these responses reflect research by Becker and Moen (1999), which identified three different strategies used by dual earner couples (with and without children) to reduce and restructure commitment to paid work. These were described as "placing limits"; "having a one-job, one-career marriage"; and "trading off". Couples who place limits try to limit the degree to which work encroaches into family time by doing such things as limiting their hours worked, refusing over-time, turning down jobs with travel, and rejecting relocation. Some couples will differentiate between having a job and a career. One partner will be the primary breadwinner, pursing a career, while the second will have a job that is not seen as such a commitment either physically or emotionally. Becker and Moen noted that it was generally the women in couples who used these strategies, "although in some couples husbands and wives trade family and career responsibilities over the life course" (p 995). This notion of taking turns at which strategies are used was described as "trading off" by Becker and Moen.

The parents in this study who made the choices to use scaling back strategies were aware that there may be a cost to their careers.

[Asked to reflect on the way that work patterns have paralleled children's growing up.] It seems to be a common pattern I think, for a lot of women. I've identified one of my staff who I feel could certainly rise to be a manager. If I move higher she'd be the natural choice. But I also know her children are of an age where she will suppress that ambition for a period of time because it's too difficult. There is a sense that you're doing something wrong to other people who rely on you. That's a very strong feeling.
(mother of 2 children, aged 18 and 16)

Despite this, for most who had made changes, the feedback was often obvious and immediate.

I announced that there was no more night shift for me and he raised his hand in the air and said "Yes!" like that, in a show of triumph because he used to say, "why couldn't you be at home on weekends like other daddy's?"
(father, works full-time)

When I stopped working in that management role, my step-son summed it up by saying, telling me not to take offence by this, but he thinks I have had a personality change since I came off work! I pointed out that this was really me.
[step-mother who changed to job with less responsibility and fewer hours]

Not all parents were reducing hours or down-shifting the kind of jobs they did. There were a number of parents in the sample who were increasing their hours of work as their children were getting older. The way that work engagement follows the children's development was also noted by parents making these choices.

With primary school, in the earlier days, there was more involvement, but as they got older I backed out a bit. And so I think that I understood it (their lives) a lot more then, so it's a gradual change and a gradual transition, which is not necessarily a bad thing, because it sort of matches their social development and what they need, so I think it's coincided. I'm sort of distancing from their lives and it's coincided with their social development.
[mother, works 68.4 hours over 2 weeks; children 12 and 15)

Some parents were also studying with a view to future full-time employment or career changes as they perceived their children becoming more independent. Some talked about working so that they would have a broader experience of the world, which they could share with their children as they became more independent. The parents in this study revealed what a dynamic process the navigating of work and family is, and how many will make changes to their employment status in response to the perceived needs of family life.

5.3 Working at home

Consistent with recent reports of professionals doing increasing amounts of unpaid overtime work, many of the parents, particularly those in professional occupations, reported that they worked from home in the evenings. Most talked about working after the children were asleep so that they did not let work interfere with family life, however this was acknowledged to be difficult, as the parent would be tired and may not work very effectively. Working earlier in the evening, when the children are not in bed, however, can also be ineffective because of interruptions. The issue of children getting older and bedtimes getting later was raised by one parent whose unstated rule is to only work after the children have gone to bed. His response clearly indicates an acceptance of overwork.

One of the problems we're actually going to face is this business about being able to settle down and work from 9.30 onwards (which) may not be viable in quite a short space of time because they'll have their own things that they'll need to do in the evenings and we'll need to help them
(father, both parents work full-time)

One parent talking about working at home within core work hours, as opposed to unpaid overtime, in order to meet the perceived needs of children who do not want to attend after-school care five days a week. In doing this, she has clear rules about the time being work-time.

The days I pick them up early I tell them, in order for them to come home a couple of hours early I need to spend another couple of hours at work. They understand that, because the benefit for them is that they get to come home sooner. So they tend to leave me alone. The boys are very good at that. (My daughter) may come in and interrupt me, but, mmm… Once it hits six o'clock I will stop working and come out.
(single mother, works full-time)

This issue of working at home is particularly significant for those parents who have chosen to do all or most of their paid work from home.

It's very unsuccessful from both points of view because you just get started on your train of thought and the kids want something. I get irritated with that, then I get cross with myself because I feel it's not their fault that I've decided to do a bit of work and they need this or that. Yes, so it's unsatisfactory from a parenting point of view because I don't feel like I'm doing the right thing as I would like to be. And it's unsatisfactory from a work point of view because you're not giving it your full attention.
(single mother, works from home some of the time)

So being home based, one inherent problem with that is it is hard to remain really focused and sometimes even truly professional when you've got someone asking about where their drink is and you're on the phone trying to do business. I guess there is two sides to that.
(father works full-time from home)

One mother talked about the rules she had established for people calling her at home, and how she finally "snapped" with a colleague who would regularly call her.

One night I just let him have it. I just said "8 o'clock is reading time and bedtime. I cannot be worrying about this now. I'll worry about it tomorrow"…He apologized to me the next day. Luckily we get on really well, and he just said "yeah, I had forgotten what it's like at that time of the night", all that sort of stuff. And I said, "Look, let's just make an arrangement that if I can talk with you I will tell you straight up. If I can't, I will say 'it's not a good time" and can you accept that?" So that's been fine, and I've done that with most people now.
(mother, works 4 days)

This mother thought that she was only able to do this because she was well established in her job by this time. Once again it is clear that parents are very conscious of the potential costs to their careers of allowing family commitments to be seen to affect their working lives.

5.4 Conclusion

Many parents are clearly making very deliberative decisions about whether and how to work. Many of the parents in this sample talked about choosing jobs for the flexibility they had or wanting greater flexibility in their jobs. Many reflected on the nature of their jobs and its impact on their parenting role by reference to the presence or absence of flexibility, even as they acknowledged that they could often only have flexibility as a trade-off for the kinds of jobs available, or career advancement.

Despite their commitment to their families, most of these parents were also very committed to their careers and appeared to resent the idea, which they perceived to exist in workplaces, that a person must choose between work and family. There was a generally shared perception that if they chose to respond to their parenting responsibilities their commitment to work would be called into question, and they would not have the kind of career advancement that they might expect if they did not reveal their commitment to their parenting role.


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